Facing and Accepting the Hardest Part of Pet Ownership
Some people question the idea of adopting a pet because they know that one day they will be heartbroken when their pet leaves them.
STORY AT-A-GLANCE
For countless pet parents, the biggest drawback to sharing life with a beloved furry friend is the knowledge that one day, we’ll lose them
When that time comes, it’s important to recognize that your grief can be overwhelming, even though the deceased was “just a pet”; you’re under no obligation to explain or rationalize your feelings, to yourself or anyone else
Tips for coping include recognizing that your grief is valid and specific to you; that there is support available should you decide to reach out; and that it’s important to ensure each member of your family, including surviving pets is supported
Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a pet parent. And you have lots of company. The most recent (2021-2022) estimates are that 90.5 million (70%) of U.S. households include at least one pet.1
While there are as many reasons to adopt a pet as there are types of pets, according to Cleveland Clinic clinical health psychologist Amy Sullivan, PsyD.:
“Many times we adopt pets because we’re struggling ourselves, and we need that companionship. During the pandemic, or during other difficult times in your life, you often hear, ‘This pet got me through such a difficult part of life.’ That emotional connection to your pet is so vital.”2
For countless pet guardians, the biggest drawback by far to sharing life with an animal companion is the knowledge that one day, we’ll lose them. And let’s face it, the death of a pet can be absolutely devastating.
“Our animals become a part of our family,” says Sullivan. “They provide unconditional love and support, which is something that people don’t get from a lot of different places.”
It doesn’t matter to our pets how unsuccessful we might feel in the world, because we mean the world to them. This is plainly obvious by the excitement your dog shows every single time you come through the door, whether you’ve been gone for a week or a minute’s walk to the mailbox. Cats are typically more subtle in their displays of affection, but just as devoted in their own way to their favorite humans.
It’s for these reasons and so many others that the loss of the companionship and unconditional love of a pet can feel almost unbearable.
Putting Your Grief in Perspective
Ironically, when a person offers their dying pet the gift of euthanasia, grieving the loss can be much more difficult because often there is guilt associated with the decision to end the animal’s life.
“You certainly don’t want to see your pet suffer,” says Sullivan. “But there is that grief that’s associated with that guilt, and questioning yourself: ‘Am I making the right decision?’ That’s why it’s important to make that decision with your trusted medical professionals and other family members.”
It’s also important not to assume that the grief you feel at the loss of a cherished pet should be easier to deal with than the grief of losing a human loved one. It’s pointless and self-defeating to make such a comparison.
“For some people, grieving a pet is more difficult,” says Sullivan. “For other people, grieving a human is more difficult. For some people, both are very, very difficult. But I don’t think a pet death causes less grief than a human one.
It depends on your relationship with a pet. Pets are a part of your life. They provide that additional support and love, and they’ve gotten you through some very difficult times. And so in some cases, grieving a pet is even more difficult than grieving a human being.”
Understanding and Coping With Deep Grief
Your grief is valid. This is true no matter how “extreme” it may feel to you, or to those around you. For countless people, a pet is the single most important thing in the world to them. It perhaps hasn’t always been the case, but it is now, and it’s extremely important to acknowledge rather than deny or diminish this reality.
Your grief is individual. It is unlike anyone else’s grief. It’s true that most of us travel through the well-established five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but our journeys can be very different in terms of when they start, how long we spend in one stage vs. another, and the time it takes move through each one.
“There’s no consistent way that you approach grief, denial, anger, bargaining, or any of those phases,” Sullivan explains. “Each person moves through these stages at their own unique time and in their own unique way, and they can go back and forth. It’s not a linear phase.”
Don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Please understand that you don't need to go through this process alone. There are many resources available online for grieving pet owners, including dedicated websites, such as the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB) as well as 24-hour phone hotlines for grief counseling and pet loss support.
Ensure all your family members are supported. Studies show that pets aren’t “just animals” to youngsters, but are often thought of as similar to siblings or best friends. Read here for information on how to help children cope with a pet's death. If you have other pets in the family, they may also be grieving the loss of their housemate. You can find a list of telltale behavior changes and tips for helping your surviving pets deal with the loss here.
A physical memorial can provide comfort. Many animal hospitals and at-home euthanasia veterinarians offer families a variety of items to memorialize a deceased pet such as final pawprints, a snip of hair, and cremains containers. You can also hang your pet’s collar and tags in a special place in your home or backyard.
For More Information and Support
If you have an older pet, a sick pet or have recently lost your pet, I urge you to watch my two-part Winding Down webinar below. It concludes with information on the cycle of grief that is important for anyone mourning a pet to be aware of. In addition, I'll be hosting a Pet Grief Awareness Week early next year, so stay tuned for more details.
Healthypets Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of your own veterinarian or doctor. Dr. Karen Becker cannot answer specific questions about your pet's medical issues or make medical recommendations for your pet without first establishing a veterinarian-client-patient relationship. Your pet's medical protocol should be given by your holistic veterinarian.